Essay / Misc.

A Memo from the Culture Wars

Alcibiades UniversityHerm Center for Social UpliftTO: Mass Media Talking Points ListFROM: D.U. LucretiusRE: Re-positioning “Evangelical” VotersThe time for sorrow is over. We know the election was stolen. We know it for the simplest possible reason. Our campaign was run by the finest minds at our best schools, staffed by graduate students, and appealed to what is best in the American spirit. I personally never met a person at a department wine and cheese who voted for Shrub. We could not lose to social-misfit qua nerd Karl Rove. We could not lose to the Chimp in Chief.How was the election stolen? Blame Free Republic. Blame Hugh Hewitt. Blame Roger rabbit, for all I care. It does not matter. What matters is that the election we won was still too close for comfort. As Foucalut once memorably did not say,”The reality must be faced if it cannot be recreated.” And that is as true as anything he ever said.Millions of Americans are trapped in the Dark Ages. The fundamental problem with America is fundamentalism. These are mostly harmless folk who pay their taxes and mind their own business. However, as we attempt to change the culture and help bring progress to the nation, we must face the fact these folk will not change. They ignore our best advice and go on reading the Bible, a book that is old!Sadly, “religious” people of this sort, who ignore the universal religion of self-actualization for the religion of blood and tears, are often admired. They give money to charity, though with regard only to “helping others” and not to the political implications of that help. We must opposed groups like the Salvation Army that “help” feed the hungry and house the homeless and yet have never handed out one PETA or NARAL brochure while doing so. Better to die in hunger as a Democrat than become a fat and happy Republican with no soul.So here are three fundamental ways to position the “religious right” in talking to each other and to other members of our little group. Some of this was developed through our New York Time working group, the rest we developed during an aroma therapy session here at the Bay Campus. Good times, good times.1. First, always assume a tone of intellectual superiority. Of course, this is not justified by any actual study. Evangelicals have their own so-called intellectuals with degrees from our own schools. However, despite this we are justified in our assumption. We know we are right, therefore all the people who are right must (QUED!) agree with us.2. Second, remember they believe and we know.Due to early hardwork we have convinced most Americans that faith or belief is acting contrary to evidence based on what you wish were true. Of course, by “belief” they mean an epistemic humility that acts based on best reason and admits uncertainty. With that other annoying conservative Plato, they believe that some things are worthy of belief about which we are not certain. In fact, they believe that we cannot be certain about much of anything of importance, but that we can have enough evidence to act. According to evangelicals, this action must be approached with modesty, since any belief in this life could be wrong.All this is complicated. It will not fit in a Times article so we can simply say, “They believe and we know!”We are certain of our uncertainty with unwavering skepticism about everything but our skepticism. We know we are right, because the post-modern age is the one we live in and we are the highest moment in the Darwinian struggle. We know, they believe. Repeat it often.3. Evangelicals wish to impose their morality on us.It is vital to be libertarian about sex, but guide humans in everything else. The one will placate them to the other.Evangelicals must pay for abortions and grant gay marriage equal status to their own. If they do not approve, then their very disapproval makes us feel bad. This bad feeling oppresses us and so imposes a moral stigma on us. Any moral stigma is tyranny. We must stop them from making us feel bad! We must bring on an age where everyone is free to agree with reason.This must be imposed through the growth of state power. Salt Lake City must have the same laws as San Francisco!Remember: people who based their ideas on religion are dangerous. All religions are the same when their followers believe in them. Radical Islam is the same as Christianity. Can anyone think of any real difference between Pat Robertson and Bin Laden? Bin Laden may blow up buildings, but Robertson disagrees with our ideas in forceful ways on television! Television!I hope this memo encourages you to act. Dan Rather may be going, but Michael Moore is here to stay!Courage!

Share this essay [social_share/]