Essay / Theology


A few weeks ago I started a silly hashtag at my Twitter account (fredfredsanders), describing heresies in a way that totally missed the point but somehow were instructive anyway. It didn’t exactly trend, as they say, and I ran out of ideas after about a dozen. But if you’re into terrible puns on recondite topics, man, this is the place for you.

DoSiDosetism: Claimed Christ did not truly assume human nature, but joined hands with it, bowed, & did an allemande left. #NotReallyHeresy

Donutism: Claimed that pastors were disqualified from the office if they were obese b/c of consuming empty calories. #NotReallyHeresy

Pelégianism: Taught that it was possible for a man to bicycle-kick his way into heaven, unaided by God or other teammates. #NotReallyHeresy

Catharrrrrism: Taught that most of the world was made by a good God, except for pirates, made by the dimiarrrrge. #NotReallyHeresy

Emptynestorianism: Taught that Christ’s divine nature was lonely when the human nature grew to full maturity. #NotReallyHeresy

Updoctianism: Believed that the Son began as a wascally wabbit but earned exaltation to 24-cawwot deity. #NotReallyHeresy

Appallingarianism: The only kind of Arianism there is. #NotReallyHeresy

Pneumatomockianism: Making fun of the Holy Spirit. #NotReallyHeresy

Manikeyism: Taught that every door in the afterlife was created by a different god. #NotReallyHeresy

Montanaism: Taught that the lonesome dove of prophecy runs like a river through cowboy poets, not bishops. #NotReallyHeresy

Antignomianism: Taught that we need not obey God’s law, since he only intended it to keep the li’l people underground. #NotReallyHeresy

Apocatawampus: Taught that all things will be made askew. (Special guest #NotReallyHeresy by KEPWhite, who gets it.)

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