Essay / Misc.

Superbowl Prep

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

I have been invited to attend a “Superbowl Party” this coming Sunday afternoon. Although the invitation was rather circumspect regarding details, I am given to understand that the event being celebrated involves a televised competition between two sports collectives, possibly from different countries, or perhaps different regions of the same country. Although the teams will be attempting to defeat each other in the contest, it seems that partygoers are permitted to cheer for whichever of the two teams they prefer, and even to denigrate the opposing team, the presence of that team’s supporters in the room notwithstanding. You can imagine the festive spirit, I am sure!

I believe I will know how to behave at the party in general, as I am a shrewd observer of social customs and have considerable facility in blending in to a variety of settings. My only worry, and the reason I am writing to you, is that it seems customary for each guest to make a variety of exclamations and comments as the game (or the commercials, which also are apparently quite diverting, except for the long one at half-time) progresses. It is in this department that I feel underprepared, and disinclined to rely on my native wit for extemporaneous remarks.

Could you please suggest to me some comments which would be appropriate to utter at various times during the game? At best, I would like to add to the day’s fun, but at least I hope to avoid giving offense or seeming like a stuffed shirt who doesn’t know how to “mix it up with the guys.”


Gridiron Gridlock

p.s. I do not approach the contest entirely unarmed, having spent idle hours composing the following:

“Man, both teams need this game.”

“That’ll move the chains!”

“Ha ha! This game is already OVER!!! Forget about it!”

“The Colts look like a young college team on tape. I mean that as a compliment.”

“Nothing smells like football.”

“These guys put the ‘ouch! ow!’ in ‘touchdown!'”

“This must be the early Chicago deep-passing attack pundits were worried about.”

“Rearrange M-I-A-M-I and you get ‘I maim.'”

“if Chicago goes to a three-receiver package on passing downs, keep your eye on the nickel slot DB.

“He doesn’t have an Elway arm, but he is smart, very athletic and has moxie.”

“It seems clear that my team is going to dominate yours.”

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