Essay / Misc.

Sleep Talkin’ Theologian 3: “Like a Light Beam In A Hallway.”

Installment 3 of 4 in this series of transcripts of my sleep-talking adventures from the late 90s. No, I cannot explain most of these.

***

Something about a surgeon
Getting ready to cut something out of someone
[who?]
Part of the time it was me.
Part of the time it was some guy I didn’t know.
[Is he a good surgeon?]
Yes.

***

Some motivational speaker.
He’s trying to get everyone whipped up.
[to do what?]
It’s not really clear.
I think it’s just to take baths.
This is in the future when not everyone takes baths.
[what’s he saying?]
He’s just preaching about how good baths are.

***

You know how your shopping cart gets really full?
This guy is buying all spices.
[what’s he going to do?]
I guess he’s going to season the bejappers out of something.
[laughs]
What’s so funny?
[“bejappers”]
How do you spell that?
[how do YOU spell it?]
I don’t spell it, I just say it.
If I start speaking in tongues, you’ll wish you’d had a different project.

***

Burritos
Military burritos.
Either that or they’re in a band.
They’re marching.
[bean burritos?]
I can’t tell.
None of them are open.
But I suspect bean.
[what about beef?]
Are you offering?
[offering what?]
Beef.

***

Paper
Stacks of paper
Construction paper
[what are you going to do with it?]
Drop it
On the first one in
To the hot tub.
[why?]
I’m a prankster.

***

[what time did you go to bed?]
Oh, Matthew four-ish.
[tell me more-ish]
What are you talking about?
[what time do you want up?]
Why don’t you learn the numbers yourself so you’re not always asking?
[do you want up at 8:30?]
Too dirty.
[what about 9 o’ clock?]
Too… too… too much to mock.
[what about 9:15?]
Too much bursting of the spleen.
[what about 9:25?]
I wouldn’t be alive.
[what about 9:26?]
(snore)

***

This big
um
Supermarket cathedral kind of church.
You can go in and shop for hymnals.
[can you get choir robes?]
You have to wear them when you shop.
Especially in the meat department.
All the meat guys are priests.
[what about produce?]
I can’t see it.
It’s too tall.
[what about fresh breads?]
Freads.
Freads means fresh breads.
[what about cheese?]
Do you mean do they have cheese in all of France, or just in this one cathedral?
[just in that cathedral]
[what now?]
It’s kind of like a mass.
[what about the shopping carts?]
You have to park ’em.
Then you see the Pope on TV.
[any music?]
Religious supermarket music.

***

Finishing up a paper
About crocodiles.
[is it a scholarly paper?]
No, it’s more like a friendly letter.

***

I want a monkey who will do what I tell it without having to yell all the time.
[what do you want it to do?]
Oh, a twirl with the tray with food, grapes, tumblers of water.
[where would you keep your monkey?]
Jungle.
[what would you name it?]
Mikong.

***

A pair of pants and a pair of potatoes.
[how come?]
At least you don’t have to inflate them both.

***

The grasping fingers
Big ones.
[what are they grasping?]
Barber’s tools.
[whose hair do they cut?]
Whoever gets in the way.
They’re from space.
[are they aliens?]
Everyone’s an alien of some kind.
How do you use scissors?
The grasping fingers know other things.
[like what?]
So-called secrets.
[like what?]
Like gravity.
Their scissors know.
They cut your gravity and you dangle up.
I cut the fly into the curtains.
It was horrible.
The fly came apart.

***

Stop signs
Takin’ ’em on long trips
To the Grand Canyon

***

Water balloons
It’s too difficult
[what’s too difficult?]
You’ll laugh
[no I won’t]
They’re Paul Tillich’s water balloons.
[what’s he going to do with them?]
Explain them
[what’s he going to say?]
“Being participates in becoming like a light beam in a hallway.”
[what else?]
“Soak ’em, boys!”
[what else?]
You’ve heard too much already.

***

[are you dreaming about kittens? What are they doing?]
Reviewing books.
Lots of them.
They don’t like any of them.
They’re savage reviewers.
[who are they reviewing for?]
Louisville slugger.
They set the books up on a low wall and whap the bejappers out of them.
[with a Louisville slugger bat?]
That’s what I said.
[laughs]
You’re laughing AT.
[can’t quit laughing]
What are you doing?
Oh, you’re writing your little novel.
That’ll make everybody laugh.

***

[are you awake or asleep?]
Here’s a hint: Yoko Ono is in the hot tub with the Captain’s hat on.

***

[what are you dreaming about?]
Show some respect
Speak in full sentences, quietly
[sorry. What are ..]
That’s not a complete sentence.
[I am sorry.]
You are forgiven.
[what are you dreaming about?]
Giving you grammar lessons.

***

Getting carried around.
Up a hills.
[what are you getting carried in?]
Arms.
[why?]
I told you
Up a hill.

***

“The best show on television.”
Hill Street Blues.
I’m telling this guy how it’s the best.
He has lettuce on his head.
[does he talk?]
Yeah.
He says the stupid stuff a lettuce-head would.
Crap like, “Au contrair! Au contrair!”

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